The Really Nerdy Picture Show
by Cececat
Summary: One late November evening a Trekkie named Dwight Barclay and his equally 'Star Trek'-obsessed fiancee, Lorraine Summer, get caught with a flat near a very strange spaceship. Basically, RHPS where everyone is a severe Sci-Fi/Fantasy nerd. Lorraine constantly sings in Elven, for one thing. (Please Read and Review!)
1. Prologue to Or sé i Frankensteinnomë

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: So, here's the first part of a weird parody of RHPS that's about nerds. It's go references to many nerdy things, and one of the characters occasionally sings in Elven (Quenya). Enjoy!**

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 _Dramatis Persona_ :

Lorraine Summer – a TrekGeek. Cute, blonde.

Dwight Barclay (named after geeky, annoying Lt. 'Barclay' from TNG) – a sci fi nerd. He's so nerdy it's a shock he's dating anyone - especially pretty little Lorraine.

Tim the Scientist – a crossdressing mad scientist who came to earth to make sexbots without his planet's government finding out. While he's figuring all the mechanics out he finds a few 'real' lovers.

Annika (after Annika Hansen, aka 7-of-9, who was VOY's Miss Fanservice and played by an ex-Playboy Bunny) - Frank's greatest fangirl (well, fan _-service_ girl). Seems like one of those girls who squeals over Orlando Bloom and ignores the actual plot of LotR. Later, in her 'I hate you' speech, she proves herself to be very nerdy

Wesley – a pathetic kid who's only seen TOS and isn't a _real_ nerd. Therefore, he must die and be eaten by the aliens. Dude, his name is _Wesley_!

Jade – the servant girl. Broody, dark, incestuously involved with Lucas. Looks a bit like Leia, if Leia died her dark brown hair the reddish shade Mara Jade Skywalker's is. Also way hotter than Carrie Fisher.

Lucas – her brother/lover. Sometimes only sane man, sometimes a total wacko. Looks somewhat like Mark Hamill before the motorbike crash. _Buffy_ fan.

The Book – basically, the Hitchhiker's Guide filling in for the Criminologist. Talks like Stephen Fry.

Buffbot- basically Rocky Horror but a bit smarter (like in the play). He, like Data, is 'fully functional'. Very much so.

Dr. Alec Crusher – he's a very clever scientist who once tutored both Lorraine and Dwight. In fact, he set them up for their first date. And he's in a wheelchair due to an accident involving a DeLorean and twin pine trees...

 _NOTE: Alec Crusher & Wesley double. Lucas, Jade, and Annika also play the Shady Nerds during the song 'Dammit Lorraine'. _

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**Prologue (sung by Jade as the Hardcore Trekkie Chick)** :

 _Anakin was mentally ill_

 _Yet somehow a Jedi still_

 _At least the emperor knew what to do_

 _And was Barclay there_

 _Though we really don't care_

 _Michael J. Fox drove a DeLorean_

 _Then something went wrong_

 _For Luke, Leia, and Han_

 _They got caught in a trash compactor!_

 _Then, at a deadly pace_

 _Samwise got hit in the face_

And when he awoke he said...

[Chorus]

Science Fiction, Film Feature

Frodo Baggins will lose a finger

See borg drones fighting

Anakin Skywalker

Jar Jar fucks up

The _Stars Wars_ Saga

At the late night,

Really nerdy film-show!

 _I know the dropped a bridge on Kirk_

 _Which really shouldn't work_

 _When they needed to kill him off for good_

 _And I nearly was ill_

 _When I saw the Holiday special_

 _It made Lucas wanna kill!_

 _Luke said Imperial goons_

 _Built Vader a moon_

 _It was really a space station!_

 _But when trees you hit it_

 _Said Tom B. to hobbits_

 _I'm gonna give you some lovely pipe-weed_

 _You'll dream a..._

 _[Chorus]_

Science Fiction, Film Feature

Doctor X caruva ulundo

Ela androids mahtanë

Dwight ar Lorraine

Ann Francis eleni mi

Forbidden Planet

Sé i telwa mórë,

Really nerdy film-show!

 _I wanna go..._

 _See a late night_

 _Really nerdy film show_

 _By Lucasfilms_

 _See a late night_

 _Really nerdy film show_

 _Not a remake!_

 _See a late night_

 _Really nerdy film show..._

* * *

 **Scene 1** :

[Outside a house in the evening, around sunset. Music can be heard from inside the house]

[Dwight and Lorraine standing there. She's holding a bouquet of flowers]

Lorraine: oh, wasn't it lovely! Didn't Deanna look lovely in that dress?

Dwight: yes, it's a good thing they didn't try to host a Betazoid style ceremony

Lorraine: definitely! I would've vomited.

[beat]

Dwight: So... Lorraine?

Lorraine: Yes?

Dwight: I've got something to say... I really like the, um, skillful way you beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet! Very Jedi-like.

Lorraine: Oh, _Dwight_!

Dwight [singing]: _Oh! The brandywine was deep but I swam it!_

Shady Nerds: Lorraine!

Dwight: _The future is ours, so let's plan it_

Shady Nerds: Lorraine!

Dwight: _So please don't tell me to can it!_

Shady Nerds: Lorraine!

Dwight: _I've one thing to say and that's dammit, Lorraine, I love you!_

Lorraine: Oh!

Dwight: [hands her a ring that looks like the One Ring] _Here's the ring to prove that I'm not the Joker! There's three ways love can go... that's Kirk-Spock, Joker-Harley, or bisexual! Oh! L-O-R-A-I-N, I love you so_!

Lorraine: Oh! It's nicer that Deanna had! Now we're engaged and I'm so glad. You know and know Adar! I've one thing to say and that's Dwight, I'm _rúsëa_... for you too!

Dwight: Dammit Lorraine...

Lorraine: Dwight... I'm _rúsëa_ **.**

Dwight: I love you

Lorraine: I know.

* * *

 **Scene 2** :

[Hitchhiker's Guide theme music plays]

Guide's Voice: this is the story of two very geeky people. It's a fascinating tale worthy of an actual film, not this cheap nonsense. Anyway, it seemed a fairly ordinary night when Dwight Barclay and his fiancé Lorraine Summer left Vulcan that evening to visit a Dr. Alec Crusher – ex-tutor and friend to both of them.

It's true that there were dark storm clouds in the sky – that looked almost exactly _unlike_ imperial – toward which they were driving. Being the sort of people they were, they wouldn't let a mere storm ruin their evening. Stormtroopers on the other hand…

Anyway, it was a night out.

A night out they'd remember for a very long time!

* * *

 **Scene 3** :

[In car, w/ Radio playing 1970s HHG2TG radio show]

[Car stops and radio turns off]

Dwight: Hmm. I think we took a wrong fork a few miles back

Lorraine: Oh. Well, nobody can be as good as Han Solo when it comes to navigation

[Both chuckle]

Dwight: We'd better go ahead up the road and see-

[Loud bang!]

Lorraine: Oh! Are there any imperial Stormtroopers out there?

Dwight: Don't be silly, Lorraine. That was the tire – not a blaster firing

[Scary lightning]

Dwight: Er, Lorraine... you'd better stay here and keep warm while I go for help.

Lorraine: Where will you go for help? We're lost in the middle of nowhere! Like _Voyager._

Dwight: No, we aren't. Didn't we pass a castle a few miles back? I'll go there.

Lorraine: I'm going with you!

Dwight: There's no point in the _both_ of us getting rained on.

Lorraine: I'm coming with you. Besides, the owner of that phone might be an alien and I wouldn't want you to get abducted without me.

Dwight: Ha! That's highly unlikely.

[Music begins]

Lorraine:

 _Mí lissë i mornië, mí morna lómë_

 _Silma… Tás ná rilya elen_

 _Ui erma mana hya man nárldë_

 _Tás ná calina_

 _Or sé i Frankensteinnomë_

 _Tás ná calina_

 _Uryar mí urúvanomë_

 _Tás ná calina… calina mi i mornië mi ilquen coivie_

 _Ní lertacen i andon, ní lertacen i mistë_

 _Ta ná i imya_

 _tás nirmë ná, sinomë mára len ar nin_

 _Tás ná calina_

 _Or sé i Frankensteinnomë_

 _Tás ná calina_

 _Uryar mí urúvanomë_

 _Tás ná calina… calina mi i mornië-_

Dwight: English, please.

Lorraine: Sorry. You know I have a tendency to sing in Quenya when feeling inspired...

[CUT to them standing in front of castle's door]

Lorraine: Oh! Let's go back. I'm cold and I'm frightened.

Dwight: Just wait a minute. They might have a telephone.

[Rings doorbell]

[Beat.]

[Door opened by Lucas]

Lucas: Hello

Dwight: Hi! My name is, uh, Dwight Barclay… this is my fiancé, Lorraine Summer… our car broke down a little ways back… do you have a phone we might use?

Lucas: Summers? Like Buffy Summers?

Lorraine: _Summer_. No 's'

[Crash of lightning]

Lucas: Hmm, I think you'd better come inside.

Lorraine: you're _too_ kind.

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 **Please Review!**


	2. Sweet Trekvestite to Wesley's Death

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

* * *

 **A/N: I know, nobody is mad enough to read this. But there's more and I felt like posting it. Perhaps I'm wrong and someone _is_ reading it...**

 **I should probably mention that here people are swearing in Klingon and English. Also, the song 'Hot Patootie' is no longer about 'parking' (though the lyrics are mostly the same). The singer and his gal are doing naughty things in the back of a movie theatre watching _West Side Story_ instead of in the back of a car listening to rock n' roll. Maybe you people didn't need to be told all that. **

* * *

**Scene 4:**

[Inside the house. It's a foyer of some kind. So dimly lit that they can hardly see anything. After letting them in, Lucas disappears into the shadows]

Lorraine: by the Ghosts of Alderaan, what sort of place is this?

Dwight: it looks like the interior of a space pirate's ship or something. All messy and metal. Though pirates are often people like Han Solo, remember. A bit rude but not the Empire or anything serious.

[Mice or something scuttling about]

Lorraine: I'm scared, Dwight.

Dwight: don't worry. I'm here. Everything will be fine

[Suddenly, Lucas returns. With him is Jade and Annika]

Dwight: Hello again. Could we use your phone? I'm sure you've got all sorts of things to do already and-

Lucas: the Master is having one of his… conventions tonight.

Lorraine: Good for him.

Dwight: a convention, eh? Which fandom?

Lucas: it's for all fandoms and sexual orientations. They're currently watching season 1, episode two of _Star Trek TNG_. Now it's at the part when Yar starts getting all hot over Data.

Dwight: You're fans of _Trek,_ too?

Jade: he's a fan, you're a fan, I'm a fan... we're all fans!

Annika: Wesley isn't.

Jade and Lucas: shh!

Lorraine: Wesley?

Jade and Lucas: shh!

Jade: He's just this boring guy the Master picked up one midsummer's day. Really nothing worthwhile. A , in fact.

Annika: Apparently he wasn't geeky enough, so they-

Lucas: the Master only wanted to help the boy become a proper fan!

Dwight: how noble of him.

Lucas: yes…

Dwight: [clears his throat] so, about that phone…

[Enter, Tim. He's wearing a Darth Sidious style cape so they can't see him well.]

Lucas, Jade, and Annika: Master!

Dwight: You're the one in charge? Could we-

Tim: Greetings, Nuq'nuh, mae govannen. Heghlu meH QaQ jajvam, as always. I see you've met my _shuVak_ Lucas and his sister Jade. And, of course, Annika! I'm known by many names, but 'sir' isn't one of them. You may call me Tim… Tim the scientist! _Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a comic by it's cover! I'm not much of a fan by the light of day, but by night I'm one hell of a lover..._

Dwight: ah, can we use your phone? Our car broke down and-

Tim: Oh dear. That's worse than the _Star Wars Holiday Special_

Lorraine: Mr. Tim, nothing in the universe is as bad as the _Holiday Special_. This is more like _The Phantom Menace_.

Dwight: that's right. Mark Hamill wore eye makeup worthy of a drag queen.

Tim: what's wrong with Drag Queens?

[Throws cape away. Is revealed to be wearing skimpy women's clothes – something like RHPS's Dr. Frank N. Furter, but with the Starfleet insignia or whatever]

[Lorraine faints in horror]

Dwight: Qi-yah

Tim: I'm just a sweet trek-vestite. Haha. Geddit? 'Trek' like Star Trek plus transvestite! Haha!

Lucas: worst. Pun. Ever.

Tim: stop being rude, you petaQ! I'll get you with my lightsaber if you aren't careful!

Lucas: Which one? The nice glowy red one or the one you plan to use on Buffet tonight?

Tim: SHUT UP!

[Lorraine wakes up]

[Annika places her hand on Tim's shoulder and he calms slightly]

Tim: why don't you two stay for the night? We'll sort things out by morning, I'm sure. And you can meet Buffbot!

Lorraine: who?

Tim: My new toy. He's a very human-like android– like Data but hotter – for me to use my metaphorical light saber on.

Dwight: You'll fight him?

Tim: No, innocent youngling. But what I will do to him starts with the same letter as 'fight'

[Dwight and Lorraine don't get it]

[With a swish of his cape he leaves]

[Jade giggles]

[Servants begin to undress Dwight and Lorraine]

Dwight: everything's going to be fine, Lori

Lorraine: oh, are you sure?

Dwight: yes. It's like when Luke blew up the Death Star. He didn't give up.

Lorraine: but we haven't got the Force to guide us, like he did!

[Lorraine now wears just white 1950s underwear (i.e. half-slip, pin-up bra, and knee-high stockings). Dwight wears just undershirt, socks, shoes, and _Star Wars_ boxers]

Annika [to Lorraine]: Whoa. You'd look so hot in that metal bikini Leia wears, honey.

Lucas [to Jade]: Though not as hot as you look, my beloved sister.

[Lorraine and Dwight notice the disappearance of their clothing. They freak out.]

Jade: hurry along now, my preeeecioussssssss guests.

* * *

 **Scene 5** :

[Dwight, Lorraine, and Jade all standing in the lab]

[Tim appears through a door. He's now dressed more like Bowie was in _Labyrinth._ Ya know, tight pants and all that glitter]

Tim: how nice it is to meet people we don't know. Especially fans! Especially virgin fans! After that fool Wesley it's so nice to see our sort of people. Or, at least, people I could turn into proper fans.

Dwight: Can we just use your phone?

Tim: Patience, younglings. You must first witness the, hehe, turning on of my sexy android Buffbot. His name, as you've probably noted, is a play on 'Buffybot'. That's the name of the sexbot shaped like Buffy the slayer. Willow likes it very, very, much. Anyway… LUCAS!

[Lucas appears, pushing coffin-like box]

[Weird music plays]

Tim: haha!

[Box is opened and Buffbot leaps out]

Tim: Oh, how I love Qapla'!

Lorraine: you love what?

Tim: Success, of course! Do you not speak Klingon?

Dwight: Neither of us happens to be very fluent. It's just so… robust. Sorry, Tim.

Lorraine: I can get by in Quenya, though

Tim: [clears throat] anyway… what do you all think?

Buffet: Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam. jIyajbe' much else. tlhIngan Hol Dajatlh'a'?

Lorraine: Huh?

Tim: He's asking if you think he's hot.

Lorraine: Well, I don't like so many muscles or so much metal. It's a bit too intimidating... right, Dwight?

Dwight: Yeah. About that phone-

[Beeping sounds interrupt him]

Annika: WESLEY!

[Wesley magically falls out of freezer holding a microphone.]

Wesley: _Whatever happened to American teens? When we were all watching proper mainstream TV? It ain't been the same since mum saw Lucy with me, I though that was divine. I used to find a girl who'd go and watch a picture-show. Natalie Wood was playing in a famous musical. We'd sit right there and really have a good time! Hot patootie, bless my soul! Really love the picture shows! Hot patootie, bless my soul! Really love the picture shows!_

Dwight: Catchy tune. Don't really like the lyrics, though.

Lorraine: I agree, dear.

Wesley: _My head used to swim from perfume I smelled, my eyes kind wandered when we watched. I taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt. She'd whisper that_ Tonight _was stuck in her he-ad. Sit up, fix your clothes a bit. I get annoyed when we're at the '_ Cool _'_ _song. With your arms around your girl you couldn't sing along. At least it felt pretty good! Yeah, you sure had a good time... Hot patootie, bless my soul! Really love the picture shows! Hot patootie, bless my soul! Really love the picture shows!_

[Tim gets angry, then starts hitting Wesley with a plastic lightsaber]

Wesley: _Really love those picture showwsss!_

Tim: die, you kriffing petaQ! DIE!

* * *

 **Please Review!**


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